A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 0-9

NASA scientists once built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at maximum velocity at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains, British engineers fired the gun and were shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, shattered the shatterproof windshield, blasted through the control console, broke the engineer's backrest and embedded itself in rear cabin wall.

The horrified engineers sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for help. NASA responded with a one-line memo: "First thaw the chicken."

Whatever you do, plan well, make the necessary preparations, diligently do your research, carefully follow the maker's instructions. To do otherwise can lead to an expensive and embarrassing mess, where you're likely to really 'fowl' things up!

A man went to his farmer friend and asked him: "If you had ten cows would you give me 5?" 

The farmer replied" Certainly! If I had 10 cows I would give you five!" 

The man then asked:" If you had 6 pigs would you give me 3?"

The farmer replied" Without a doubt if I had 6 pigs I would give you 3!" 

The man then asked: "If you had 2 chickens would you give me one?" 

The farmer then replied: "Now that's unfair! Because you know I have 2 chickens!"

"The proper way for a man to pray," Said Deacon Lemuel Keys. "The only proper attitude Is down upon your knees."

"No, I should say, the way to pray," Said Reverend Dr Wise, "Is standing straight with outstretched arms And rapturous up-turned eyes."

"It seems to me his hands should be Devoutly clasped in front, With both thumbs pointing toward the ground," Said Reverend Dr. Blunt.

"Last year I fell in Hopkin's well, Head first," said Cyrus Brown. "With both my heels a stickin' up, And my head a pointin' down."

"And I made a prayer right then and there, Best prayer I ever said, The prayin'est I ever prayed, Was standin' on my head."

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark 

 

One: Don't miss the boat. 

 

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. 

 

Three: Plan ahead! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. 

 

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. 

 

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. 

 

Six: Build your future on high ground. 

 

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 

 

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. 

 

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. 

 

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. 

 

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you serve Jehovah, there's always a rainbow waiting. 

 

NOW, wasn't that nice? 

(JUST FOR FUN!)   1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.   2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.   3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.   4. Build on high ground.   5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.   6. Two heads are better than one.   7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.   8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!   9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.   10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.   11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!   12. Stay below deck during the storm.   13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.   14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.   15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.   16. Don't miss the boat.   No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side  

Throughout time many different groups of people have tried to wipe us out. I figured one day that we were like mushrooms. No matter how many times you step on us we always come back greater in number and in faith. 

A little girl and her family were on their way to the Kingdom Hall. Half way into the trip, the little girl all but shouted: "STOP! We have to go back home!"    After settling down from the sudden outburst from the back seat, the father responded: "Why? What's wrong, honey?" "Dad, we HAVE to go home now. We just HAVE to!"   Seeing the concern in her eyes, and a little tear forming in the corner, he said: "Okay, we will, we will, but can you please tell me why?"   With a brief sigh of relief, she exclaimed, "Because I forgot my notebook."   The father and mother smiled to each other. "Oh, I see. Well, that's okay. You can ..."   "No, it's NOT, Daddy!" the little girl interrupted, choking back her tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes.   "Don't you remember, Daddy? The story of the people of Noah's day? Remember, they took no notes and the flood came and swept them all away!"  

Once there was a boy who always looked on the bright side and always expected the best. He expected to like brussels sprouts before he ever tasted them, for instance, and to like his teacher on the first day of school. Because he had such a 'sunny outlook' on things, he was rarely disappointed.

But the boy's father thought he wasn't realistic, so he decided to test him. One day he brought home many presents. All but one small one was for the boy's brother. The brother opened his gifts with glee, a train set, a toy robot, a cowboy outfit, even his own TV!

Through all this, the boy smiled expectantly, confident the contents of his small box would equal the splendor of his brother's gifts. When it was his turn he ripped the box open to find only a pile of hay and some very smelly animal droppings.

To his father's astonishment, the boy clapped his hands with joy and ran immediately to the backyard. "Yippee!" he cried. "There must be a pony here somewhere!"

Do you have a positive attitude?

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